1. Physical appearance is the first – though only an initial – factor in choosing a life partner, even though some people firmly believe in “love at first sight.” Women tend to look for traits in a potential partner that they perceive as signs of masculinity, while men seek traits that, for them, embody femininity. This surface‑level attraction is closely linked to natural selection and, ultimately, to the continuation of the species. It is not limited to physical features alone but also includes behavioral traits. For example, a confident, strongly masculine man may be drawn to women who are gentle, highly feminine, and sensual. Conversely, decisive, ambitious, and dominant women may appreciate men who are sensitive, romantic, caring, and patient. Each of us carries a fairly well‑defined image of an ideal partner, although it does not always correspond to the person we ultimately choose as our life partner — our husband or wife.   
2. A second preliminary indicator that helps in selecting a suitable life partner is his or her natural scent. Why scent? Because it is influenced, among other factors, by our genes, and on a subconscious level we tend to choose partners who are genetically as different from us as possible. This mechanism reduces the likelihood of pairing with close relatives and thus helps ensure the health of potential offspring. Once again, the issue of species survival comes into play.

1. Love and commitment are listed first as the most desirable qualities in choosing a life partner. Commitment, according to research by D. Buss, is expressed through fidelity (sexual exclusivity), providing emotional support, selflessness, honesty, withdrawing from other relationships, planning the future together, and devoting time and energy to one’s partner.
2. The assessment of personality traits is a very important element in choosing a life partner, but it requires time and mutual familiarity. One theory that explains why we feel attracted to another person is the theory of complementarity (as described by B. Wojciszke). It refers to the mutual fulfillment of partners’ needs, where satisfying one partner’s need leads to the fulfillment of the other’s – for example: care–dependence, dominance–submissiveness – combined with mutual awareness and acceptance of these traits by both partners.
3. Similarity of views on the most important life issues is also crucial: respect for life, faith, values, family, career ambitions, material matters, and sexual relationships.
4. Health is another very important factor in choosing a life partner. Here again, the issue relates to offspring. We strive to minimize the risk of conceiving and giving birth to children who are ill or disabled. A partner’s susceptibility to various addictions is also highly significant when choosing a potential life partner, as it may disqualify them as insufficiently responsible or trustworthy.

1. Material resources… well, there is not much to explain here — research shows that this factor is much more important for women than for men. To be fair, this preference does have its justification: women tend to look for a life partner who will be able to provide for the family and children.
2. Intelligence, ambition, and diligence are traits closely related to the above. They indicate a partner’s competence, resourcefulness, and ability to acquire resources. At the same time, a partner who enjoys their work and is ambitious and hardworking is among the most sought-after qualities in a life partner.
3. Social status – again, no surprise here. Women more often than men indicate a high social position or a prestigious occupation as a desirable trait in a partner. This tendency has been observed among women in over 30 different cultures (studies by D. Buss and D. Schmitt). Why is high social status so important? Because it is closely linked to the first point mentioned above.
4. Age – the choice of a life partner is less straightforward in this respect. Most women prefer men who are a few years older (which is also related to the first point), partly because more mature men are considered more emotionally stable and reliable. However, choosing a much older partner may involve the risk of sexual difficulties or concerns about health and the long-term prospects of the relationship. On the other hand, some women consciously choose younger partners for reasons related to health, fertility, and satisfying sexual relations. Some men, in turn, prefer significantly older partners, thereby reducing their chances of having offspring but gaining other qualities they value in a life partner.
5. Stability and responsibility are highly valued traits in a life partner for both men and women. Conversely, instability and irresponsibility are associated with the risk of significant emotional losses, relationship insecurity, lack of durability, and potential threats to family stability.

There are also partner-selection theories developed by psychologists:

• The Biological Theory states that we seek a partner who would increase the chances of the species’ survival. According to this theory, men tend to choose women who are healthy and fertile – young, with well‑defined hips, smooth and clear skin, shiny hair, and bright eyes. Women, in turn, are thought to prefer men who can take care of the “family nest,” who stand out for their resourcefulness, diligence, and… ability to acquire and provide resources.
• The Exchange Theory represents a kind of compromise. It assumes that we look for partners who are similar to us in overall value, but that we are willing to accept certain shortcomings in one area in exchange for strengths in another. Thus, imperfections in physical appearance may be fully compensated by a sense of humor or an engaging personality, while lower social status or prestige may be offset by kindness, intelligence, or caring behavior.
• The Imago Theory suggests that when we meet a potential partner, the brain subconsciously recalls the emotional environment of our childhood. As a result, we tend to seek partners who resemble our parents or close relatives in certain traits, or who compensate for what our parents were unable to provide. A typical example is that women who were neglected or ignored by their fathers in childhood may, in adult life, look for much older partners who can fill this emotional gap and provide the affection they lacked.
• The Persona Theory assumes that partner choice is guided by more self‑oriented motives. According to this theory, we prefer partners who enhance our self‑esteem – those with whom we feel more valued, more motivated, better, and special.

“…when we consider whether the person we have chosen will be a good life partner, it is also worth taking a careful look at ourselves and reflecting on what kind of partners we ourselves will be for life.” (Zuzanna Celmer)

Based on:

Buss D, Schmitt P, “Sexual strategies theory: an evolutionary perspective in human matching”, Psychological review, nr 2, 1993, vol 100.

Buss, D. "The evolution of desire", Gdańsk Psychological Publishing House (GWP), Gdańsk 2001.

Wojciszke, B. "The psychology of love", Gdańsk Psychological Publishing House (GWP), Gdańsk 2009.